Saying goodbye...and saying hello.

With tears of joy in my eyes last night I listened to my roommate tell the story of her proposal. I watched her face light up in ways I've never seen it. A deep, beautiful happiness in her eyes.

Last night laying in bed, with tears of excitement I thought about the future....

With tears of release, I thought about the past....this year. And what it has been to me. I thought about our apartment, our nights of drinking wine, making dinner, American Idol. The walks on the beach, the talks on the green chair.

Margaritas and memories. Laughing and chatting.

I thought about the healing, the growth. I think about how its just the beginning of it all...and I realize....

I have to say goodbye.

I have a month until I move, and I have always been the girl that moves and never looks back. I make changes in my life that look exciting, the next best thing. I wonder if it comes down to my belief that somehow if I just keep moving, my heart, the pain, the fears will never catch up to me. So I move....I move again. I just keep going hoping that someday I will find it...my home. My safety.

But the truth is, this place really has been home for me. It has been home because it has been a place that I have found my heart in. God has used this season, this place as my "healing nest", if you will. He so gently placed me under his wing here, and he protected. He guided, he stretched and moved my heart. The people in this place changed me, affected me.... helped me to learn how to be me.

I loved deeply. I was loved deeply....

l look at the significance of all this in my heart, and begin to tear up as I write this. And I have to admit...I'm really not good at saying goodbye. I never have been. Looking ahead always seems to be more fun and easy than looking back. But I want to, I need to say goodbye well. I may be moving to another "nest", a better fit for the next season of my life, but this home will be deeply missed.

I will miss the nights at the wine bar, talks on the roof....dancing in the living room. I cherished the Sunday morning walks to get coffee. The Saturday afternoons of soaking up sun. Concerts and yoga, cookie dough and country music.

So many memories....

The truth is, in order to say hello to something great, I must first say goodbye to something great.

So I'm ready Lord. I'm in desperate need for you to show me how to actually say goodbye. My home, my heart, my safety is in you....may that be my guide, my compass in this.

Help me to let go....

to hold on....

to say goodbye.

And say hello.......