A candle flame

If you stare at a candle flame long enough you’ll notice right near the wick at the hottest point, the nucleus of the candle flame, it’s dark. The heat from the flame melts the wax and it is then drawn into the wick providing fuel for the flame which BURSTS to life. When I look at it, it makes me think of God’s refining fire. The fire is hot, sometimes so hot it even feels unfair, but the truth is....it’s the most pure form of love. A love that says “I want you to be shaped, molded, stretched and transformed, I will fight for your heart.” There aren’t many explanations this side of heaven as to why painful things happen in life, but we can be assured of one thing, if we turn our face to Jesus....he will comfort, he will hold us and he will not let go. Ever.

He calls out to us saying “I am your refuge. I am your God, your father, your friend." But how often in that refiner’s fire do we feel left in the dark just like the center of the candle? We stumble, we fall, we experience pain. Sometimes we partake in even deeper pain because our unbelief tells us that God’s presence and power are somehow not with us. We become consumed, not with the God who can offer us his peace, who desires our hearts and wants us to desire his holiness. But we sit in the whirlpool of questioning God. Why is this happening, where are you? Why can’t I understand this?

Until it happens, the moment we fall on our knees...we break..we cry and we ask in desperation; not for God to remove the pain, but for his presence to invade. For him to shine his light on our hearts and create in us people who will glorify him. When our hearts are consumed with THIS, we come to realize that WE exist FOR God, not the other way around. We can offer our lives, our very being on the alter and our fortunate blessing(though undeserved)...to learn in a deeper way of his pure, unfailing, unchanging love that will never let us go. We kneel in the darkness and we say. “God I can’t see, I can’t move, I can’t breath without you.” And that very realization, has in fact made us holier. It did not come from the lips of one who "speaks" of holiness as something that can be worked for, or achieved. It came from a heart of true desperation; a transparent and humble heart. We have not found some “secret” to be the kind of person who is this or that, we have not learned a language that masks our insecurities and faults, we have not even surrounded ourselves with "holy people" in order to appear as though we have it together, we have simply relinquished our hearts, cried out to God. And He so faithfully honored his promise as he always does. He hears our cries, he is near.

Only when we are broken on our knees can we understand that apart from God, we are nothing, no matter who we work for or what we do. Some of us work for churches, others for multi-million dollar companies. Some of us are leaders, some are followers, both equally important. But more importantly, ALL of us are children of God. We are all ministers, we are all sinners, we are all forgiven, saved by grace.

One of the most beautiful stories I have ever heard is the story of the sinful woman who washes the feet of Jesus with her hair and her tears, kissing his feet and kneeling not even before him, but behind him. The desperation, the shame, the feeling of absolute imperfection before a perfect savior. Someone once said to me “could you imagine the amount of tears that had to be streaming from her face, her eyes, her mouth, her nose?” When was the last time we cried like that at the feet of our savior?

It can be so easy as we grow deeper in our "knowledge" of God to play the game, the game that makes those that aren’t playing feel like utter outsiders, that we are somehow at a higher level of existence because of this life we are called to live. We speak a language of calling, leadership, and changing the world, but our hearts are far from the one who actually changed and continues to change it. It is not us who bring the world to know Him, we simply bring ourselves to the world and it is God who is in us through HIS sacrifice....HIS price paid, that people come to know HIS love. Only when we reach the end of ourselves, the absolute end and we feel we have nothing to give, nowhere to go, we don’t have the answers. Then weeping, we cry out for God to be there all to realize as we look to our side we see he was right their with us all along.

And the candle? Though we can’t see from the dark center of the flame there is a glow; A glow that can only continue to get brighter if we are willing to be stripped of everything within us. Until there is nothing left but Jesus himself. The glow surrounding us comes not from our gifts our talents or abilities, but from the holy spirit who lives inside us.........Bursting forth, and lighting up the world.

Color outside the lines

"Life is not a color-within-the-lines project; life is a work of art.
You have to keep mixing colors, creating new blends, and seeing things in fresh ways.
You must be willing to get paint all over you.
Life is about growth. Growth demands change. Change requires humility."
~ Erwin McManus



It’s time to get messy, make mistakes…big ones…..do something good, for someone. Get to know who you are and more importantly....who you are becoming. Life is a series of choices, those choices make up your character….what kind of character are you creating? Who are you trying to please? Who are you living for? What are you living for? Change is hard, harder than you think it ought to be, YOU are afraid of change…..no, maybe you are just afraid. Fear is not what you live for. Freedom is. Freedom from the need to be perfect. Free to be broken…and stay that way. Because you only have learned how much you really need HIM since you have learned how broken you really are. Cause a catastrophe as you follow Him, let it be unpredictable. Chase after him. Hard. And just keep running. He is what you live for. He is the only thing worth living for. He saved you from death, he brought you into light. Live in that light. He is enough.

A Beautiful Hike in San Francisco

The mystery of life is that the Lord of life cannot be known except in and through the act of living. Without the concrete and specific involvements of daily life we cannot come to know the loving presence of Him who holds us in the palm of His hand. . . . Therefore, we are called each day to present to our Lord the whole of our lives.
--Henri J. M. Nouwen

Saying goodbye...and saying hello.

With tears of joy in my eyes last night I listened to my roommate tell the story of her proposal. I watched her face light up in ways I've never seen it. A deep, beautiful happiness in her eyes.

Last night laying in bed, with tears of excitement I thought about the future....

With tears of release, I thought about the past....this year. And what it has been to me. I thought about our apartment, our nights of drinking wine, making dinner, American Idol. The walks on the beach, the talks on the green chair.

Margaritas and memories. Laughing and chatting.

I thought about the healing, the growth. I think about how its just the beginning of it all...and I realize....

I have to say goodbye.

I have a month until I move, and I have always been the girl that moves and never looks back. I make changes in my life that look exciting, the next best thing. I wonder if it comes down to my belief that somehow if I just keep moving, my heart, the pain, the fears will never catch up to me. So I move....I move again. I just keep going hoping that someday I will find it...my home. My safety.

But the truth is, this place really has been home for me. It has been home because it has been a place that I have found my heart in. God has used this season, this place as my "healing nest", if you will. He so gently placed me under his wing here, and he protected. He guided, he stretched and moved my heart. The people in this place changed me, affected me.... helped me to learn how to be me.

I loved deeply. I was loved deeply....

l look at the significance of all this in my heart, and begin to tear up as I write this. And I have to admit...I'm really not good at saying goodbye. I never have been. Looking ahead always seems to be more fun and easy than looking back. But I want to, I need to say goodbye well. I may be moving to another "nest", a better fit for the next season of my life, but this home will be deeply missed.

I will miss the nights at the wine bar, talks on the roof....dancing in the living room. I cherished the Sunday morning walks to get coffee. The Saturday afternoons of soaking up sun. Concerts and yoga, cookie dough and country music.

So many memories....

The truth is, in order to say hello to something great, I must first say goodbye to something great.

So I'm ready Lord. I'm in desperate need for you to show me how to actually say goodbye. My home, my heart, my safety is in you....may that be my guide, my compass in this.

Help me to let go....

to hold on....

to say goodbye.

And say hello.......

Daddy's Girl

Watching her at the restaurant it was evidently clear, she worshiped her daddy. Every sentence out her mouth started with daddy. Such an adorable 5 year old. "daddy look how big I am" "daddy, look I'm not making a mess" What she was really saying is "daddy, do you see me? Are you proud of me?" She sat across from him in her little white dress, and it was so clear; She felt special, she was spending time with her daddy. As I watched them sitting at the table together I realized, her father was wrapped up in every word she said. He was laughing with her, encouraging her and affirming what a big girl she was.

At one point she picked up the large bottle of soy sauce on the table and began to tip it towards the corner of her plate where the brown rice lay. Her tiny hands could barely grasp the bottle and as I watched I immediately thought of the bright white dress she was wearing. Would she spill? Can she handle it? This soy sauce would surely stain if even a drop hit the white fabric. But dad in his ever so patient and gentle manner encouraged her even more...."tip it more" he said with confidence "you can do it" the soy sauce episode was a success. She did it. All on her own. She was a big girl. Her eyes lit up as she looked at her daddy who sat there smiling at his daughter. She didn't know yet what a big moment this was for her, that these moments of independence were laying a foundation for her to become a confident, and strong woman. And her daddy, was the witness. He knew what was going on, how she was growing. He knows things she will not know for a long time, and he guides based on what he knows. He guides out of love.

It got me thinking about my father (Not the one here on earth) but the daddy who created me from the heavens. I thought about his love and how I feel like that little girl. I'm constantly picking up the soy sauce of my life. Its big, its unstable in my little hands, it has the potential to stain....but when my father so gently pushes me forward, he asks me to do something that may feel uncomfortable, that may feel unreachable , that surely feels foreign....he does it because he knows. He knows what this moment means for me, he knows what it will mean for my future as I continue to grow. He's not afraid of the stains, he knows they may happen, he actually knows when they will happen. And he's prepared to handle my frustration when I stain my dress....though his heart may be saddened as he watches me mourn over my small stain, he sees the bigger picture, he sees the beautiful white dress I'm growing into, that the one I'm wearing today is just for this season and he loves me where I'm at. He guides because he loves, he allows stains because with every stain I learn and grow more. Its only a small part of the bigger picture of my heart. And he knows my heart. He created it. He loves my heart.

So here we sit, God and me. He sits across the table smiling at me, until the day he takes my hand and says just as this daddy in the restaurant. "Come on, let's go home"

Leave yourself where the light is...

A girl in a dark room. Almost black. A small, square room. There is a door. The door is shut. And at the bottom of the door, that crack between the floor and where the door begins, there is a light. She can see the light shining through that small crack. The crack is large enough to light up the area right near it. There she lays curled up, with her knees tucked into her chest, her arms wrapped around herself, getting as close as she possibly can to that lit up crack at the bottom of the door. She's lying there quietly, her breath slow and deep just staring at the light, trusting that the door will open. Trusting that the light outside of the room is magnificent and bright enough to light up the entire room, her entire world, her entire soul. She's waiting patiently for the door to open. This is the door to freedom. Out there, where the light is, is Freedom.

.....Stay next to it. Don't move from that bit of light in your dark room. Cuddle up next to it, as close and as desperate as you can. Leave yourself where the light is, no matter how faint.